i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
