How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i came on her dog
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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