If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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