My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
