Just fell off a train. Bad.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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