Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
