At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
