Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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