Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
