So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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