There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
