Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
