he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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