Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
