I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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