im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
