You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
