i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
