i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
