and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
