i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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