have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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