he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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