No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
