YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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