thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
