a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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