I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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