I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
