I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
