He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
