No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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