I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
