Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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