her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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