I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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