My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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