we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
