I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
