Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
