just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
