I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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