I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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