My Higher Power is John Stamos
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
