i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
