hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
