I need to stop coming to work sober
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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