dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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