i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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