I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
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you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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