Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
