I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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