Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
