you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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