I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
