just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
