we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
