I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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