Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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