He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
