As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
