Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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